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I'm 47 and I've worked in advertising since I was 20. The agency I've been with
for the last 1.5 years is the most intense shop I've ever worked for. With the
hour commute, the demand for absolute perfection, the extra reading we're
required to do outside of work hours, and the 50-70 hour work weeks (not
counting the extra reading), and the deflating weekly "coaching" sessions, I've
gotten to the point where I feel like this job is killing me. I need to change,
and I want to change before the year is out, but I'm scared.

My husband and I have worked hard to carry minimal debt and live slightly below
our means. We could live on somewhat less income - we've done it before. We have
a small safety net, but we had to dip into it to buy a new roof last year.

I'm still frightened to leave the security of this job to do what I really want
to do. I've got two different publishers who have expressed mild (not firm)
interest in two different book proposals, but I know darn well that a book
author doesn't make what I make in advertising. What happens if I can never
think of another book, and these two are all I've got? We can get benefits from
my husband's employer, and my husband thinks we'll make it financially, but
since I can't see the future, I'm paralyzed.

HELP!

Sparki

------------------------------- LIZ REPLIES:-----------------------------

Hi Sparki,

Don't feel bad! You aren't paralyzed. You are a brilliant, rational person. When you work in a toxic work environment that nonetheless pays the bills, it's like being backed up to the edge of a cliff. You're so intent on the person or thing that's pushing you backwards toward the cliff, trying to stave off that pressure (the way you're doing every day at work) you hardly have a millisecond to turn around and scope out the cliff behind you, to see how far the fall would be or what might be on the hillside that you could grab onto, if you had to jump. Meanwhile you're being pushed, pushed, pushed backward toward the cliff. Of course you're paralyzed!

I don't blame you for having some trepidation about the full-time author thing; that's a tough go even for people who have done it for years. Here's what I recommend Sparki: I think you're in a great place to launch a real, true, full-on reinvention process, one that could zip along and get you into a new, better gig in three or four months or spiral into something wonderful and unexpected and launch you into a very different new direction a year from now. Right now you're thinking "What about the horrible job I have to go to every day?" and here's the crazy thing: as soon as you start digging into the reinvention thing (journaling and networking and getting advice and taking care of yourself and opening yourself to whatever's next, with gusto) the work situation will improve, I predict. You won't feel disempowered, as though you have to put up with Mr. or Ms. Nasty in order to eat. You'll be working at a higher altitude, because you'll be viewing the high-pressure workplace you've got now from the standpoint "what can I do today to advance my Reinvention Adventure, even as I'm keeping these folks happy?" You'll be thinking "What resume fodder, contacts and learning can I still get from this place, while I'm here?"

You'll start networking, and things will start to pop, because you yourself are pop-py now and you're only going to get more so. You could start looking at Indeed.com just to get ideas -- you're in the best possible job-search situation, if you end up with one or more W-2 type prongs -- you're employed now and looking for something better (cooler, more like you, more human, whatever). So you're very desirable to employers, especially as you collect your moja around you.

When we feel like we're being pushed off a cliff, of course we feel helpless and panicky. The minute you commit to getting out of that job, you've got new power in the equation. Those guys don't own you, they don't control you, and they're non-entities to you now; they'll be minor characters in one of your novels.

You could get very mirror-y right now and load up on journaling, taking walks, talking with friends and telling your story. That would be a good plan if you generally get your 'ahas!' through writing and speaking (and/or interacting with people and interacting with keyboards or journals, photography, music, etc.). If you're more of an Action Jackson, you could start sending out Pain Letters (TM) right away -- the ecosystem will give you tons of feedback! You don't need to find your perfect career direction, certainly not before you start having conversations and getting your engine running. You're a novelist, we already know that, so you're bound to write novels down the road. (Maybe you didn't say novelist -- writer, forf sure.) That doesn't have to be your total livelihood, not right now, anyway. Your current job is going to sound GREAT to your next employer or your first clients. You've done great work. That you are good at what you do is going to be evident in the first .0001 seconds anybody spends with you.

You're in control, Missy. This isn't a choice between jumping off a cliff backwards (hoping that there's a twig to grab onto, called My Book Gets Published) and putting up with a less-than-sensational work situation forever. You are electric. You can turn around, show the boss your back, and stride toward that cliff, which will turn out upon closer inspection to be a grassy incline that you can roll down, tumble down, skip down or paraglide from, as you like. (not sure that's how you spell paraglide.)

XOXOX
Liz

Hi Sparki,

The first step is always to realize that we're not happy and our life is completely out of balance. You've done that. I know your gut isn't happy and is telling you that on a daily basis, but rest assured that you're moving in the right direction.

Your husband supports you in so many ways, and with him telling you that you don't have to be miserable you have all the permission you need to start making some changes. I would absolutely suggest getting yourself organized and start thinking about things that you've done that electrified you, brought you the most excitement and passion. They're going to be varied and brief moments in time, but the power of those moments will tell us so much about who you are as a person and where your excitement and passions live. That will be part of your through-line as you start to craft a Direction, a place where you want to go.